Things I won't miss about Portland

This is clearing house for shit that bugs you about this mostly awesome city

Jul 25

Anonymous said: I'm actually thinking to move to Portland to start a family; have nearby family from husband's side to help raise the kids. What is bad about Portland? I know you probably wrote it hundred of times, but can you sum it up in few points? :)

Hi Anon!

WELL. I don’t live there anymore and I haven’t lived there in nearly 3 years, after having fled in disgust to Brooklyn NY. But… Here are a few points since I’m feeling charitable.

1. As my friend Bennet once pointed out: “Moving to Portland Oregon now is like moving to Lawrence, Kansas.” ie, not cool or challenging any longer. It’s just a oversized college campus for yuppies and dumb hippies these days. Sometimes I think someone who still lives there should have a mock funeral for “Portland” like the real Hippies in the Haight did for the term “Hippie” once the mass media got ahold of it and watered it down and sold it to middle America.

2. It’s the “wacky donut capital of the world”. If you like actual clowns and other grown losers who didn’t get enough attention growing up, boy, have I got an over-priced 4 bedroom house on Hawthorne/Alberta to sell to you!

3. I flew back home to visit my family last Oct, and the stench of smug liberal-dad self righteousness was nearly unbearable the entire plane ride home. Now, I fall on the left side of things politically, but the massive concentration of circle-jerking wanna be Keith Olbermanns makes Portland the left wing version of… I dunno Dallas, Texas maybe? It’s gross and exhausting in any event. I think having a community of like-minded people is a great thing, but the potential for group-think and the lack of any other political views seems disturbing and childish quite frankly.

4. Illiterate, moronic anons with baby strollers who move somewhere based on the suggestions of a defunct comedy blog that they can’t be bothered to read the entirety of. (try, duh)

P.S. Now, you might be saying, hey now, Mr. Cool Guy Brooklyn snob hipster asshole, you live in Brooklyn, fuck you! Yes, I do, but since stuff like this blog doesn’t actually pay me in any real world currency I live in a crummy neighborhood far, far away from the parts of Brooklyn that you’ve heard of.

1. I think Brooklyn is “over” as well, and the same losers that ruined Portland are moving here too.

2. Since there’s more people here, there’s a greater diversity of opinion and less assumptions that you agree with everyone 100% on politics. Why, I’ve even met conservatives here! Shocking, I know.

3. My GF and I are most likely moving to a very uncool(in the eyes of the national media), but cheap city in the midwest so that we can own a house and afford to pay off our student loans which we stupidly signed our souls away for. So, you can have Portland, I don’t want it anymore, and I cede it to you, the middlebrow stroller-pushers who get wet at “wacky” donuts and the thought of perpetually living in a soggy college dorm room. Since I don’t really use/add to this blog anymore I’m going to shut off comments/questions and leave it as an online museum to my former Angst over the slow death of my hometown. Bye! :)

May 24

Just as a note, this isn’t really an active blog anymore. I moved away two years ago just to get the fuck out, without a clear plan. The funny thing though is that this blog is the first time I ever wrote down things that I thought were funny, and I really appreciated/appreciate how much people liked it and hated it. I had a really fun time running this, and it’s led me into a direction that I’ve always secretly wanted to go into, comedy! Weirdly enough, I moved to one of the best cities in the country for that. I’m doing my first open mic next weekend, and I’m super stoked. I probably wouldn’t have ever thought about really doing it without this blog though, so I want to thank everyone for their nice notes! 

domaniquealicia said: I love you, and this ranty blog. Thanks you giving words to all the things I won't miss about this place.

Rad, thanks!

piscesface said: Are there really no jobs in Portland? I love Brooklyn, I grew up on the east coast, but I recently found myself transplanted to Olympia, WA. There are no jobs here and I don't know if I can bare to stay much longer in this sort of situation. Is Portland just as bad? Should I just try to move back to Brooklyn, where it's possible I might find a job?

I dunno, I had a hard time making a go of it in Portland that’s just me. I am LITERALLY the worst person to ask about jobs though, as I am bad at getting/holding them, haha. I found it much easier in NYC to get crappy restaurant jobs that you can at least support yourself on. Best of luck!

Anonymous said: What do you mean by weirdo? like literally mentally ill people or annoying extremist liberals etc..?

The latter. I love the former, and I feel great empathy for the people in our society who get forgotten about like the mentally ill. 

Anonymous said: I'm glad you made it out of Portland... I've been here for about 20 years now and really can't wait to get out of this underemployed, lazy, overrated, boring, cold, wet, grey, now-overpriced city. I'm getting out of here this July. The only thing that I will miss is one last 60 day segment of sun (at best). Fuck this place. Long overdue.


anthophila said: I appreciate you.

Awesome, thanks!

Anonymous said: stumbled upon your blog and I think it's great! I'm a born and raised New Yorker, grew up in queens and moved to Greenpoint from 2003-2008 before moving to Portland. When I first got out to Portland I ended up in many places like SE hated it, finally moved to NorthPortland by Interstate n Killingsworth and feel better to say the least, but I have the itch of coming back to NYC. I miss the cerebral nature of the city but is Bushwick really as bad as I'm hearing with the scene? as opposed to Pdx?

Hey Thanks! Bad as in how? I moved out of Bushwick and now I live in Crown Heights. Bushwick is getting expensive as fuck, and for what exactly? So I can live off the L train? Who cares? $1800 for a one bedroom? Nah, fuck that. I’m not really interested in being a dollar sign in my landlord’s eyes. I’m also really a homebody, so I don’t know much about the “scene”, I just like to sit in my apt with my GF and our cat, not spend money and think funny stuff about shit that makes me angry. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to come back personally.

Anonymous said: I just moved to Portland for work. Did you notice when you lived here that people sort of smell?

You moved TO Portland for work? That was a bad plan, and yes, Hippies do stink.

melodyowen said: Just discovered this. Great writing! Very funny and right on the money.

Hey, thanks!

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